Kate Kripke, LCSW, PMH-C, helps high-achieving women break free from emotional overwhelm, guilt, and burnout in motherhood. As a maternal mental health expert and transformative coach, she guides mothers in shifting old patterns, regulating their emotions, and reconnecting with their intuition—so they can feel calm, confident, and in control while balancing both career and motherhood. Kate believes that thriving as a mother doesn’t mean sacrificing personal success, and she equips women with the tools to build deep, lasting connections with their children while continuing to pursue their passions.
Shop The New Mama HERE
Shop Cozy Earth products HERE (use code "WELLMAMA" for 40% off)
Wanting to feel calm, connected, and confident in motherhood? Watch my free 30-minute masterclass HERE
Feeling overwhelmed? Reset your nervous system and reconnect with yourself—join Kate’s 21-Day interactive wellness challenge today HERE
Initial Discussion and Brooke Harmer's Experience Brooke Harmer initiated the conversation by expressing their excitement to have Kate Kripke on the show, driven by Brooke's personal struggle as a high-achieving woman navigating motherhood (00:00:00). Brooke recounted a past experience in business school where they were told that career success and motherhood were mutually exclusive, a sentiment Brooke found nonsensical and against their desires to have both a family and a career. This feeling of having to choose has been a recurring theme in Brooke's life, leading them to seek guidance from Kate on how to reconcile these feelings and find peace in their role as a mother (00:00:56).
Beliefs About Motherhood Kate Kripke posed a question to Brooke and the listeners about their underlying beliefs regarding what it means to be a good mother. Brooke shared their past belief that being a good mom meant complete self-sacrifice, encompassing personal health, career, and even marriage, a path Brooke witnessed with their own mother and was determined to avoid (00:01:51). Kate affirmed that many individuals enter motherhood with societal and cultural beliefs that equate good motherhood with sacrifice and neglecting personal needs, often leading to exhaustion and negative emotions (00:02:53). Kate emphasized that focusing solely on the "doing" of motherhood, driven by an achievement-oriented mindset, can backfire as it doesn't align with the unpredictable nature of parenting (00:05:31).
Kate Kripke's Motivation Brooke inquired about Kate Kripke's inspiration for their work in shifting the narrative around motherhood (00:05:31). Kate shared their upbringing with high-achieving but anxious parents in New York City, highlighting how their mother's anxiety became their own (00:06:34). Kate's mother, who passed away from a stress-related illness, felt the constant pressure of "running for class president" in life (00:07:37). Initially wanting to work with children as a therapist, Kate's experience showed that supporting mothers significantly improved their children's well-being, leading to a focus on maternal mental health (00:08:35). Kate's goal is to empower women to pursue their work passions alongside motherhood and nurture healthy relationships with their children, emphasizing that women's voices are needed in both spheres (00:09:30).
Compassion and the "Good Enough" Mother Brooke noted Kate's lack of resentment towards their mother, recognizing that their mother did the best she could (00:10:39). Kate agreed, highlighting motherhood as a universal experience that fosters empathy for other mothers (00:11:37). Kate introduced the concept of the "good enough mother," drawing on the work of Donald Winnicott, emphasizing that mistakes are crucial for repair in relationships, which strengthens bonds (00:13:02). Kate also pointed out that sometimes one's "best" might not be "good enough," prompting a need for self-reflection and potentially seeking support, especially for high-achieving individuals who may resist asking for help (00:15:08).
Desire vs. Need for Achievement Brooke questioned how the pursuit of high achievement intersects with motherhood, given the societal training to excel and the personal satisfaction derived from it (00:16:05). Kate differentiated between the desire to achieve and the need to achieve for self-worth. Kate explained that when one's sense of self-worth is contingent on achievements, it leads to burnout (00:17:05). Kate clarified that having goals is positive, but the relationship with those goals is critical, as many high achievers operate from a subconscious belief of not being "enough" unless they achieve (00:18:16).
The Achievement-Oriented Brain vs. Connection Kate explained that the part of the brain driving achievement is different from the part needed for connection. Bringing an achievement-oriented mindset of control and problem-solving into the inherently uncertain and chaotic realm of motherhood often leads to frustration and anxiety (00:19:23). Brooke clarified that organization isn't inherently bad, but basing one's worth as a mother on it is problematic. Kate used the analogy of dust particles in sunlight to illustrate the constant uncertainty in motherhood (00:20:36).
Separating Fact from Story and the Difficulty of Change Kate used Brooke's example of a messy house to illustrate separating the neutral fact from the negative story one might attach to it (00:22:39). Kate then discussed the common knowledge of the importance of self-care in motherhood, yet the difficulty many face in consistently practicing it (00:23:37). Kate suggested that deeply ingrained, often unconscious, fear-based beliefs about oneself (e.g., "I'm not enough") can hinder the ability to change thinking and engage in self-care effectively (00:24:38). These core beliefs influence thoughts, feelings, and actions, making change difficult without addressing the root belief (00:25:37). Shifting these beliefs can lead to more grounded responses and healthier actions (00:26:31).
The Nervous System's Role Brooke made a connection between these ideas and the nervous system, asking about its involvement. Kate affirmed that the nervous system, wired for survival, responds to both real and perceived threats (00:27:30). The fight, flight, or freeze response (sympathetic nervous system) prepares the body for danger. In contrast, the rest and digest state (parasympathetic nervous system) is when we feel safe and are able to connect (00:28:48). Many high achievers exist in a chronic stress state, hindering their ability to heal, learn, and connect with their children (00:29:42).
Overachieving as a Nervous System Response Brooke summarized that overachieving and perfectionism can be a manifestation of the fight or flight nervous system (00:29:42). Kate agreed, giving examples like the impulse to seek constant answers and micromanage chaos as behaviors driven by a heightened nervous system, contrasting with the connection and presence fostered in a rest and digest state (00:30:41). Kate noted that their most meaningful mothering moments often occurred during times of connection amidst messiness, rather than during perfect, happy moments (00:31:59).
The Power of Connection in Difficult Moments Brooke shared a personal story of connecting with their young son during a difficult time when their husband was deployed, highlighting the shift from trying to be "brave" and "put together" to allowing vulnerability and shared emotion (00:31:59). Kate affirmed that Brooke's vulnerability was the bravest thing they could do, contrasting with the societal teaching that uncomfortable emotions are wrong (00:34:06). Kate emphasized that honoring one's emotions and showing up authentically fosters secure attachment in children (00:35:05). These moments of genuine connection, even amidst pain, are invaluable in mothering (00:36:12).
Attachment Styles and Their Significance Brooke sought clarification on how these discussions relate to attachment styles. Kate explained that the quality of attachment between a child and their primary caregiver significantly impacts the child's sense of self and future relationships (00:37:09). Kate reassured listeners that it is never too late to work towards secure attachment (00:38:11). Kate outlined three basic attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Initially, babies and mothers are neurobiologically enmeshed, sharing a nervous system (00:39:12). As children develop, they recognize their separateness, and a healthy, securely attached mother can regain stability when instability arises (00:40:23). Mental health in this context means the ability to regulate one's nervous system, moving from activation back to a grounded state (00:41:22).
Co-regulation and the Mother's Role Kate described the process of co-regulation between a mother and baby, where a healthy mother's nervous system responds to and then regulates the baby's nervous system (00:41:22). Difficulties in maternal mental health, such as depression or anxiety, can disrupt this co-regulation, leading to either a lack of response or a shared state of dysregulation (00:42:12). A mother's internal state is communicated to the child through various nonverbal cues (00:43:10). The ability for a mother to regulate their own nervous system is crucial for fostering a secure attachment and positively impacting the child's nervous system (00:44:09).
Characteristics of Secure Attachment Kate clarified the connection between nervous system regulation and attachment styles. A securely attached parent can remain steady amidst external chaos, allowing the child to trust that they can have big feelings and explore independently, knowing they can return to a stable base. In contrast, anxious attachment can manifest as over-involvement driven by the parent's anxiety about the child's well-being, while avoidant attachment involves emotional unavailability (00:45:03). Kate emphasized the importance of boundaries alongside secure attachment. Brooke found Kate's explanation of secure attachment particularly insightful, especially the understanding that it involves both separation and connection (00:47:10).
Secure Attachment vs. Attachment Parenting Kate differentiated secure attachment from attachment parenting, noting that attachment parenting is a specific style while secure attachment is about the quality of the relationship. Secure attachment necessitates both separation and connection, and constant clinging can indicate a lack of it (00:48:14). While separation anxiety is developmentally normal, the underlying sense of trust and safety in the separation is key to secure attachment (00:49:23). Kate emphasized that the mother's thought process and underlying beliefs about the child's well-being during separation are significant indicators of attachment security. Healthy attachment involves the ability for both parent and child to tolerate and regulate emotions both together and apart (00:51:23).
Integrating Concepts for Intentional Mothering Brooke asked how overachieving tendencies, nervous system dysregulation, and attachment styles are interconnected and how mothers can navigate them. Kate stated that secure attachment requires the mother's ability to regulate their nervous system. If a mother becomes anxious in response to their child's difficulties, they cannot provide a safe space (00:52:28). Working on beliefs about emotions being "bad" is crucial, allowing for the acceptance of both the mother's and the child's feelings (00:53:31). Self-care is essential for building resilience to the stresses of motherhood and maintaining the steadiness required for secure attachment (00:54:28). Kate emphasized that self-care is not selfish but rather in service of the children, enabling the mother to regulate their nervous system (00:55:38).
Thoughts on Guilt and Dr. Becky's Perspective Brooke brought up Dr. Becky's definition of guilt as acting out of alignment with one's values and questioned its application to "mom guilt" (00:55:38). Kate expressed admiration for Dr. Becky but cautioned that their strategies are most effective when practiced from a grounded nervous system (00:56:38). Kate highlighted that if a mother has underlying negative beliefs about themself, even well-intentioned parenting tools may not work due to an internal incongruence (00:57:58). Kate advised self-compassion if Dr. Becky's tools aren't immediately effective, suggesting potential inner work might be needed (00:58:49).
Understanding Guilt Kate Kripke discussed the emotion of guilt, stating that it is a normal feeling that arises when individuals believe they have broken a rule (00:58:49). Kate Kripke suggested examining whether the broken rule is one's own or someone else's and proposed that feeling guilty can be an opportunity for self-reflection and potential repair if one has acted outside their own integrity (00:59:45).
Redefining "Good Mothering" Kate Kripke suggested reframing the idea of a "good mom" to focus on a mother's commitment to their own mental, physical, and spiritual health in service of their child. According to Kate Kripke, feeling guilty about not adhering to traditional notions of motherhood, like constant selflessness, might indicate a need to redefine personal rules for motherhood (00:59:45).
Self-Care and Capacity Kate Kripke emphasized that feeling guilty can highlight when individuals are not taking care of themselves, which in turn impacts their ability to show up for their children. Kate Kripke stated that prioritizing self-care increases the capacity to be the kind of parent one wants to be, ultimately allowing children to feel seen, heard, and understood, which is crucial for secure attachment (01:02:52).
Leave a review