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Today’s episode comes straight from the heart. I had an experience a few weeks ago with my son where things could’ve gone poorly and instead they went beautifully and I know that’s not always the case, but I wanted to share a message of hope with you today if you’re in the messy middle of parenting.
The messy middle is the ugly part where you’re past the initial phases of learning why you need to change and failing dozens of times in a row but you’re not quite smooth sailing yet. It’s the place where you’re making progress but it’s hard to see because it comes with big feelings and small wins. It’s the place where you spend the most time even though you’re doing everything you can to get out.
So to you, my friend, who is in the messy middle, I see you. I am right there with you. I’m crying with you, I’m learning with you, and I’m celebrating with you.
I want to share the experience with you and walk you through exactly what happened, but more importantly, I want to illustrate what I believe is the greatest parenting tool in our toolbox, and that is the concept of “recognize, reflect, and repair.”
Let’s jump right in.
Forgive me for swearing, I don’t normally swear, but I think it’s extremely relevant here and it also makes this situation quite hilarious and much more lighthearted than it felt in the moment… I’m about to tell you how my parenting went to shit, literally, but in a good way.
[ad lib the backstory - tune in to the episode for the full story]
So let’s talk about my 3-step process that helps me navigate situations like this and endure the messy middle. And I’m going to warn you ahead of time that you’re probably already doing the first two parts, but the final step is the most important step and the one that most parents forget about.
I also want to be very clear that I am the farthest thing from an expert or even an amazing parent, so this conversation is not coming from a place of “I’m better than you” and does not come with shame or guilt attached to it. I’m simply sharing what I’ve learned from other parents that I aspire to be like, what I’ve implemented in my home that works, and what I’m trying to do to improve myself.
Alright, the first step is recognize. If you can’t recognize the cause and effect of a situation, whether it ended good or bad, then you can’t change or improve. Recognizing sounds simple, but you have to do it objectively.
Instead of looking for reasons to validate what you did despite the outcome, look for clues about why the situation went the way that it did and try and connect the dots. How did you child react to your words and tone? How did you react to your child’s actions? How did the situation end?
Then, once you’ve recognized what I call “a weak link,” you can reflect (step number 2) on how maybe you could approach the same situation differently next time.
I’ll give you an example. Let’s say part of your family routine is watching a show after dinner before bed. The bedtime routine includes cleaning up toys, getting in jammies, brushing teeth, and reading a book. Your 2 year old is watching Bluey, her favorite show, and it’s now time to get ready for bed. When the show ends, you walk up and turn the TV off. Your daughter yells “more bluey!” and starts to cry. In your head, you’re frustrated that she’s fighting the routine that has been in place for so long and that she’s being a little dramatic. You’re also very tired and look forward to your quiet time after she goes to bed, so there isn’t a lot of patience left in your tank.
You respond to your daughter “Sarah, you know that we only watch one Bluey before bedtime and you got to watch one Bluey. Now it’s time for bed.” Her crying now escalates into a full blown tantrum and she’s hitting you, too. “Sarah, stop hitting!” you yell louder than her crying. You’re unable to reason with her or calm her down, so the rest of the bedtime routine is full of fighting, yelling, and disconnection. You both go to bed upset.
I’ve been here before, and I hate when bedtime ends this way. So let’s try and piece things together with a cause and effect lens and find places where maybe we can reflect and improve.
The first negative reaction was when you turned off the TV and your daughter yelled at you. Ok, you knew what was coming, but maybe her little brain was too focused on her favorite show, so she didn’t remember what came next, even though it was a routine in your family. Maybe next time instead of turning it off suddenly, you prepare her before you start the episode and say, “remember Sarah, we’re watching one Bluey and then we’re going to get ready for bed.” Then, when the episode is over, you sit next to her with the remote and say, “wow that was a good Bluey! We’re all done with TV because it’s bedtime. Would you like to turn off the TV or should mommy?”
Let’s recap what we’ve done so far. First, we recognized that things didn’t go well and we tried to find a place where things could change. Then, we reflected on maybe why things didn’t work and tried to brainstorm how we could change.
So essentially recognizing is about finding the what and when and the reflecting is about finding the why and the how.
Sound familiar? This is probably what you do regularly. If you’re anything like me, you’re always worried about how you’re parenting your kids and want to do your very best. I feel like these first two steps come naturally to parents who care about their parenting.
Okay, now for the hardest but most important part of the entire process: repair. Now, you might be thinking, “well yeah, I make the changes and I try to do better next time.” Nope. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about apologizing to your child.
Stay with me because I’m going to be very blunt here. A true apology does not come with conditions for the other person to fulfill and it most certainly does not contain anything that has to do with the other person, which is your child in this case.
What do I mean? First, I’m going to give you an example of what an apology is NOT. “Sarah, I’m sorry I yelled at you. You didn’t remember the rules and you hit and screamed at me. It’s so much easier for me to be patient when you listen to me the first time and you don’t yell at me.”
Mama, this is NOT an apology. This is placing blame on your child, making the problem their fault, and essentially getting you off the hook because their actions caused your reactions. I’m sorry, but this is NOT repair.
Now, if you’ve said something like this before, I’m not calling you a bad mom and I’m certainly not saying you screwed your kid up forever. I’m just helping you learn what my parents didn’t know and what I had to learn on my own as a grown adult in the hopes that together, we can break the cycle that we’ve been a part of for so long.
Okay let’s talk about what a true apology is. It is not earned, it is given. This means that regardless of what the other person has or hasn’t done to repair the situation, you still own up to your mistakes and contribution to the problem. It only focuses on you and your actions, and it ends with what you are going to do differently next time.
Here’s what an apology to your daughter Sarah looks like in this situation: “Sarah, I want to talk to you about what happened last night. I yelled at you when you were sad and that’s not ok. The only person responsible for my feelings is me. Next time, when I feel frustrated, I’m going to take a deep breath and wiggle my arms to let out my angry energy before I talk to you. Can you help me practice?”
Notice how this time, I owned up to what I did, removed blame, and told Sarah what my action plan was for next time. I also showed her I meant what I said by practicing and role playing when we were both calm.
I promise you mama, when you learn to do this repair the right way, consistently, it will transform your relationship with your child. (And anyone else for that matter.) This will show your child that they aren’t the only ones that make mistakes and they aren’t the only ones who need to make things right. By setting the example, you’re showing them how to repair their mistakes and building trust in them because you’re humble enough to admit when you’re wrong.
Now, does this mean your child isn’t accountable for their actions? Absolutely not. That still needs a conversation, too. But what I’ve learned is that more than half the time, dare I say most of the time, we are the ones that control how the situation goes and if we can focus on where we need to make changes, eventually our kids’ behavior will improve too. And, on top of that, when we take the pressure off of our kid’s contribution, it makes it easier for them to learn where they messed up.
If you don’t believe me, I’ve been doing this exact 3-step process with my 3 year old son for most of his life and he’s gotten to the point where he apologizes for his mistakes on his own without me scripting it for him. Just the other day, I apologized for being short with him and after I gave him a hug, he said, “Mommy, I’m sorry I hit you. Hitting isn’t nice.” He said that unprompted!
Just to reiterate the power of repair, I’m going to quote Dr. Becky, who is my favorite parenting psychologist. She says, “Repair offers us the opportunity to change the ending to the story; instead of a child encoding a memory where she felt scared and alone (and remember, even if a child doesn’t bring it up, the memory is stored in the body), she now has a memory of a parent returning and helping her feel safe again. This is everything. I often think that healthy relationships are defined not by a lack of rupture but by how well we repair.” (137, Good Inside)
She goes on to say, “The goal is never to get it right all the time. I tell parents that the worthiest goal might be to get really good at repair, which acknowledges the reality that parents will continue to act in ways that don’t always feel great, and there will continue to be hard, misaligned moments. But if we develop the skill of going back, nondefensively, to our kids and showing them that we care about the discomfort they experienced in those ‘rupture moments,’ then we’re tackling the most important parenting work of all.” (57-58, Good Inside).
I got these quotes from Dr. Becky’s book, Good Inside, and it’s been such an incredible resource for me as I learn how to undo a lot of the habits and behaviors I picked up from my parents and change the narrative about how I interact with my kids.
I think another part of repair that makes it so powerful is that it focuses on respect rather than obedience. A lot of people think that respect and obedience are synonyms, but they are not. Respect is about understanding, equity, and boundaries, not just following orders. Respect also goes two ways. We want our kids to respect us, but our kids want us to respect them too. This looks like swallowing pride when we make a mistake, owning that mistake instead of blaming their actions for our choices, and repairing the situation with love and honesty. It’s this repair that builds respect for both us and our kids.
So if you’ve been listening today and you’re feeling overwhelmed because this is a whole new perspective on parenting that does not come naturally to you, you are not alone, my friend. I was in your shoes just a few years ago. If you’re listening and you’re thinking, “ok I needed this reminder,” I’m right there with you.
Or, if you listened to my soapbox of an opinion and thought to yourself, “Nope, I don’t align with this, this is not for me and my family,” that’s totally ok too. You don’t have to do things my way to be a good mom. What makes you a good mom is that you took the time to hear someone else’s perspective and experience to see if there was something you could takeaway and apply to your family.
The beautiful part about parenting is that it’s supposed to look a little different for each family and even each child within the same family. And that’s because every person is a unique individual with different needs, strengths, struggles, and relationships.
While I do believe there are better ways to parent, it’s not my job to tell you how to parent your kids. But I do feel it’s my obligation to share my experiences and opinions with you so you have more support, ideas, and examples to guide you through your own parenting journey.
So no matter how you feel after listening to today’s episode, know that you are in the messy middle and the only way to get through it in a healthy way is to embrace the mess. Embrace the messiness of making mistakes, learning, repairing, and trying again. Embrace the mess of children; they themselves are a walking mess! Embrace the mess of discovering who you are as a parent.
I truly believe that parenting is healing if you let it be that way. For me, it’s been so healing to essentially get a do-over with all the things I wish were different about my childhood and now I get to experience childhood again but with my own kids and the bonus of being the adult in the equation. It’s been so healing to see the change in me as I try and become the best version of myself for my kids. It’s been so healing to know that healthy relationships between parents and children is possible and I’m seeing it in my own little family.
So embrace the mess mama, because the mess is the only place repair, trust, and humility can live, and those are the ingredients we need to be the mother our children need.
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